I'm lost and stupid without you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
