Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
