it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
