I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
