How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
