Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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