Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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