Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
