Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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