Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
