i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
