Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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