I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
