my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
