I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
