Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
