This is not my ceiling
Ambien. No doubt about it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?