Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
