I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
MIDGETS
????
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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