She went from zero to smokin in five shots
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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