My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
