The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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