just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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