Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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