I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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