he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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