I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
