if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
