Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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