Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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