I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
