I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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