I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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