Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
