I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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