John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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