I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
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I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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