ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
