my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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