so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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