Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
