you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
