When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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