in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
