I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
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Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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