Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
