mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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