then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
