I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
