Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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