I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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