So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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