I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
