This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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