i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
