the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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