come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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