hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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