smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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