I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
