I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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